NEW YEARS RESOLUTIONS

I was toying with the idea of this post either being a reflection on the year or my new years resolution, but I didn't know where to even start reflecting on last year. I wouldnt even know which word to start with first or how to summerise it, so i've gone with a resolutions post, although I guess it might be a bit of a mix of both.

New Years Resolutions are Marmite aren't they, you either love them or hate them. I'm quite good with mine. I try and always set myself one, but something really small and realistic, otherwise I know I'll break it. One year, probably about 4 years ago, my resolution was to print all my photos from my phone as the year went along and put them in an album, and I still do it now (if you haven't already got the Free Prints App, then get it.) Then one year I had pass my driving test and I did that to. This year my resolution is going to be a little bit different...

...Be strong. I've always been a bit of a feeble little mortal but the last few months have been bordering on outrageous. I think what happened was I had a really traumatic first few months of the year (which maybe only just caught up with me recently) and I put all my efforts into feeding my soul. Which I did do, very very well. But I forgot to feed my body, both metaphorically and literally. I went on lots of holidays, surrounded myself with funny, amazing , kind people and went out A LOT. I had some of the best times ever, my heart was full and mentally I felt top notch, but physically something had to give. I was "preparing" for these holidays by literally eating leaves a couple of weeks before jetting off and my food to alcohol ratio was some what questionable. I was forgetting to take my vitamins and the only exercise I did was slut dropping to Jason Derulo in my local club. Great for the gluteus maximus, but that's about it. So then September came & BAM, I got ill. I have been ill on & off ever since with various things (I won't go into details). Not colds & coughs though, but actual numerous hospital visits, antibiotics & tablets & scans. I've actually become quite friendly with the lady on my local pharmacy, although last time I was there she said "you must spend a fortune in here", which is absolutely never a good sign. I've still got a few tests to be done in January and I've got 3 weeks left on some of my antibiotics but most of the specialist I've seen have put my illness's down to stress and a low immune system. Which I kind of don't believe when they tell me. I said to one of the specialists at the hospital "but its not like I'm Teresa May?"... I'm not under anywhere as near as much stress as some people, but I suppose after a horrendous start to the year it may have been building & and has just started manifesting itself. Also, I might just have to accept that I am more fragile than most people & have to work hard to stay healthy. I got shingles a couple of weeks ago to, which is a sign of being run down & I think that was the final straw for me. I'd had enough of laying in bed, unwashed feeling like shit. I need to look after myself properly & the New Year is a great opportunity for a fresh start.



I've actually started already, I've looked into a lot of supplements & probiotics I need to take, I've been eating a lot more & I've been going to the gym to actually work out rather than sitting on the leg press checking out the boys for half an hour and then coming home. So bring on 2018 & lets hope I can stay healthy, happy & strong, otherwise I fear I'm one illness away from 2007 Britney.

 

 



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WHAT MY TINDER PROFILE SHOULD SAY

 

My Tinder profile - "Helen, 28. I like animals, old people & Philip Schofield". All of which are accurate, but I cant help but think there's more my potential suitor should know about me before swiping right (aside from the fact I think its acceptable to use the word 'suitor' in 2017.) I suppose I mean like when you're online shopping & you have to accept the terms & conditions before you can confirm the order... although who actually reads those?

 

 

I only eat things in even numbers

So please don't ask me if I'd like a Malteaser. I know your intentions are good & you just want to offer me a delicious chocolattey treat, but I will either need 2 or 4. I've even dropped one "accidently" on the floor before if I've opened my hand & 3 roll out the packet from someone I don't know well enough to tell my weird even number situation to... (I wont blame any males reading this post if you'd like to leave at this point.)

 

You will have to watch a lot of shit TV

... if you decide to be my significant other. I'm talking 3 months of Love Island every night over the Summer & X Factor, Strictly & I'm A Celeb in the Winter. It's relentless. I'm also partial to a spot of Hollyoaks (when I say partial, I usually cry at it at least once a week.) I'm fully aware how horrendous this all sounds, but trust me when I say you will grow to love them. My ex ended up being more addicted to Love Island than me & he became very emotionally invested in the wellbeing of the McQueen family in Hollyoaks. Although he was also a prick, so maybe I wont base any other stats on him.

 

I will make you take photos of me constantly

If I've got make-up on, I expect you to be there ready to catch them candid's. I will say "can you take a pic for my Instagram?" then make you take around 30-40 variations of the same photo, just so I can get one that is half decent. It will never be just one. Don't think that date night will be an exception either. I will sit there, hair fluffed up holding my little glass of prossecco up in the air ready for my close up. I realise how bad this sounds, but this post was all about being honest right? If any of my best friends are reading this they will be nodding along. Especially the ones that have been on holiday with me, snapping away while I've positioned myself next to the most attractive palm tree or cactus of my choice. I'm surprised they didn't both send me an invoice for their services when we got home. It's part of my job to keep the 'gram up to date, so its acceptable right? If you're my boyfriend, you're also my insta boyfriend... it's part of the package I'm afraid.

 

 

 

I still sleep with my bear

I'd like to make out that this is because I get lonely on these cold winter nights in my bed on my own & my cat wont sleep with me, but even when I get a boyfriend that little white fluffy bastard is going no where. He's there all year round, snuggled tight into my boobs every night. Don't panic too much, it is only the one cuddly toy I have. Other than said bear my room is very much adult. I had one boyfriend throw him on the floor once. I remember very vividly trying to play it cool about the whole situation, but inside I felt like I had committed the ultimate betrayal. Like if you went out for drinks with your friend and left her in the club on her own to pull a 9/10. Now, don't get me wrong, the bear does not have to be present all the time. By all means he can sit on the chair or on the floor next to the bed, but for the love of god do not throw him. Do not cast him aside like an old shoe. Anyone would have thought he was a 28 year old dirty bit of fabric.

 

 

I am obsessed with animals

When I say in my Tinder profile that I like animals, I'm putting it very mildly. I realise "obsessed" is a strong word, but it is wholly accurate in this instance. I fucking love animals. All animals. If we are walking anywhere and its rainy, we will have to allow for a few spare minutes so I can rescue all the worms from the path on the way. You'll also be automatically dumped if I catch you killing a spider. My best friend sucked one up a hoover once and it really was touch and go as to whether our friendship would be terminated there and then. I also get feral when I go to the zoo or any sort of petting farm. I went to Woburn Safari park once and I got so over excited in the monkey enclosure I got a migraine and had to come home. I will also tell my dog I love him and will kiss him way more than I do you.  

 



 

Just to finish off; I have a copper pineapple in my room containing my dogs ashes, I wont watch anything with any of the F.r.i.e.n.d.s actors in (even Mike) because I feel like they're cheating on their Friends partner & I only started eating mince pies 2 years ago because I thought they were made of meat (I'm a vegetarian).

 I realise I have now made myself sound absolutely bat shit mental and there is, in fact, a reason why people don't list these sort of things in their Tinder profile. I'd never get a match.

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