GETTING OVER IRRATIONAL FEARS



Bohemia Design Florence Bag | Mango White Denim Jacket | Asos Farliegh Jeans | H&M Tee | Topshop Knot Sliders
Credit to my gal Jessy at Outfit Orbit for the photos.

 

I have several irrational fears, when I say several, I mean approx. 58-60. They range from the obvious & quite common, like flying, roller coasters & basically any activity where my feet aren't on the ground. To the more obscure, like shouting an offensive word in a quiet public place, people touching my tummy button & really attractive men walking behind me for any distance. The latter one actually happened to me the other day whilst walking to work. I had quite chunky, impractical shoes on anyway (not ideal) but then this God like creature in a suit appeared from a side street. He proceeded to walk a few metres behind me up quite a long road, then BAM the panic set in. I suddenly became very aware of my legs and very conscious that my brain was not sending them the correct signals in order for me to walk properly. It was as though I had never walked before, like a new born deer on ice. I didn't know what to do with my arms either, they felt like they were really heavy and floppy by my side, like couple of gigantic chorizo's. Then I start swinging them a bit to act cool and collected, but as I gain a bit of momentum I feel like they're about fly out my shoulder sockets. I'm getting all clammy just re living it now. It was all very traumatic. I get the same sort of fear if I have to walk past a group of builders, or get up to go for a tinkle in a quiet restaurant or bar. The dread just comes over me and there's nothing I can do to stop it apart from use every ounce of my being to try and walk like a normal person.

Where I was actually going with this post is that I have (nearly) conquered one of my many irrational fears this week. The fear of white denim. Now there's two reasons I fear wearing this hard wearing cotton twill fabric in a light colour (yes I did just google 'what is denim'). The first reason being the fear of it getting dirty and there's nothing I can do. I just know the one day I decide to swap my trusty blue or black denim for white, there will be an accident. Someone will trip and spill their coffee on me, making it looks like I've had some sort of accident. Or I will fall over in the grass and stain my knees, then I will the have to walk round in public with grass stained knees, everyone judging me. Maybe some people pointing and laughing. The second reason for 'the fear' is I worry I will look like I have either just stepped out of Tammy Girl in 1999 or I have just walked out of Topshop in the modern day, but as a 13 year old that's off to drink WKD's in a field. Neither of which is a look I want to go for.

I have tried white denim on many times in the fitting room throughout the years, but I always end up giving it back to the shop assistant, not quite confident in the direction I'm taking me and my white denim in. This was until a couple of weeks ago. I feel like this year is just riddled with milestones and new things for me, so why not bite the bullet and get on board with white denim. I've gone quite timid to start with and opted for a jacket (the grass stain thing still scares me a bit much)... and I love it. I have worn it all the God damn time since I got it. Hence it being in my last 2 posts, it wont be in the next one I promise. I also have brought a pair of white denim culotte jeans from Zara a few weeks ago, but I'm still plucking up the courage to wear them out. Which I will, maybe, eventually. It doesn't help that they were sold out in my size so went for a size up so they're baggy and white... but I guess at least that steers me well clear of my worry of looking like a 13 year old in Joni jeans at least.

 

So here's to getting over our little irrational fears, who knows, I might let someone poke my tummy button next week.

 

x

GIRLS, DONT LOSE YOURSELF.

Shopper Basket - Bohemia Design | White Denim Jacket - Mango  | Knotted Blouse - Mango  | GG Belt - Gucci  | High Waisted Jeans - Asos | Mules - Topshop (similar)

 

Do you know what I find is a hard thing about being single (apart from all the girls holidays, nights out, doing what you want when you want & spending all your money on yourself... tough I know, but someone's got to do it) it's keeping my style. Sounds odd, because if anything you'd think having a boyfriend would be more likely to change your style. Like those times you whip back the fitting room curtain to a wincing face or you try on your new Asos delivery and they say "it's alright" & then turn back to Netflix (FYI, "alright" was not what I was going for). Those things never bothered me that much, I would wear want I wanted to regardless. I've posted about it before in fact, that I used to wear things my ex thought were gross and I loved. I didn't give a monkeys Uncle then, but now it's like I've got to get my game on. The first few nights I went out out I was on the verge of digging out a 2010 Topshop bodycon dress, because I felt I should. That's what the other single girls in 'the club' wear, right? Or maybe a lace bralet and a pair of Joni jeans? Is that the key to pulling success? I just felt like I should ramp it up a gear, tart myself up a bit if you will. After all, now is the crucial time for guys to think you're a catch. They don't have to know that I sleep with a bear, kiss my dog on the mouth or that I'm usually sick after 4 glasses of wine. I'll just look slutty, do some shots and play it cool, is literally what went through my mind. They will love that, I thought. 

It's something I didn't really think would happen, I didn't think I'd change or feel that sort of pressure. Then I kind of thought about how ridiculous my pep talks to myself sounded. Do I really want to be that girl that goes out and cant walk because she's wearing a 'Pretty Little Thing' dress that's 2 sizes too small & patent platform shoes with heels like pencils... absolutely not. That is not me. Maybe that is what some guys like (I can think of one or two) but the one that's right for me wont. He will like some of the baggy weird shit I wear. He will appreciate my Asos orders, my culottes and my huge collection of grey t-shirts and he will think I look nice in them. Don't get me wrong, I've had to sort myself out a bit. Shave my legs regularly, wear my lashes and tan my white bits, but mainly because those things make me feel better. It's just so important not to loose yourself. So here I am again, wearing my mom jeans, a big weird bag, an oversized jacket & unflattering sunglasses, because I want to.

 

x

 

 



MY DO'S & DON'T OF MARBELLA

 

First of all, these are all phone snaps. Which on one hand is the sign that I'm a shit blogger & on the other hand is a sign that I had way too much of a good time to worry about dragging my camera round with me (my camera is huge). They say when you're having a rubbish time, your real friends prevail. This could not be truer of a few weeks ago. I was having the worst time of my life and my oldest friend popped over for a cuddle and glass of wine. An hour later we had booked a holiday to Marbella. Best decision of the year so far. Maybe ever. This is my second day back, and I'm already planning to go back to old Marbs again in the not so distant future. With this is mind, I was thinking of my do's and don'ts of going to this beautiful, weird, wonderful town. I thought what better place to share these than a blog post (seen as I've been a bad blogger the rest of the holiday... maybe I can redeem myself)

 

 

 

 

 

DONT get so emotional saying goodbye to your dog that he gets himself in a pickle and scratches your thigh. He and I are joined at the hip, we love each other more than life itself, but next time I will certainly tone down the farewells. I realise this is applicable to any holiday, but I ended up having to walk round one of the nicest places on earth with two HUGE bruises down my thigh, like a twat. I'm not even exaggerating how big they were, I don't know what the hell people thought I had been doing. I thought about putting a photo up of them here, but its too embarrassing. No doubt they will make a sneaky appearance in some of the photos though, there was no getting away from them or covering them up. This is definitely a big don't for any holidays to come.

 

 

 

 

DO stay at the NH hotel. It was bloody lovely. Now, granted, the main reason I loved it so much was the breakfast buffet (gal loves her food) but it was also a super nice hotel in a great location. However, back to the food. There was everything you could imagine. I did get a bit overwhelmed by it and ended up mixing churros, scrambled eggs, doughnuts and fruit, but it was glorious. They even had champagne as part of the buffet. Needless to say, the last couple of mornings I have been home, I have seriously missed my morning bucks fizz. Plain old orange juice just does not cut it.

 

 

 

 

 

DONT hire out a 2 seater chopper bike. Yes they look cool... but do they get you anywhere faster? Absolutely not. Admittedly, this was my fault. It was about 32 degrees and we wanted to do a long walk down the promenade to get to the marina, but decided it was too far to trek in the mid day heat. I had a light bulb moment and remembered a little bike and segway hire place on the beach that I had seen the day before. In my head, it was a great idea. I could picture us cruising along, wind in our hair, not having to carry our bags and making it there in a fraction of the time. The reality, I did 3 minutes on the bike before nearly collapsing of heat exhaustion. My legs felt like they were going to drop off and I had sweat literally dripping down my back. Gross I know. Also, everyone was laughing at us. On the plus side, we were also laughing (in parts). Aside from the pain, heat and discomfort it was fucking funny.

 

 

 

DO go to Ocean beach club and DONT worry about the price of things there. It is well worth it. I think we got our day there spot on. We booked our bed before we went and set aside most of our euros to take there, meaning we could have whatever we wanted without having to stress about it. Yes it is £17 for a gin & tonic, but let me tell you, you cannot compare our G&T's at home to the ones there. They don't measure anything out, the glass is literally half full of gin... just what you want. It was the best day. Everyone is loving life, it's in a beautiful location and you get your own waiter to look after you all day. He changes the ice in your bucket every half an hour and even if you get up to go for a tinkle he makes sure you're ok. It was bliss just laying there in the heat, listening to the music and drinking. They also have INSANE dancers. Yes, the girls will make you feel like Danny DeVito but when the boys come out it's like being surrounded by tall, ripped Jason Derulo's gyrating around the pool (& around you, if you're as lucky as I was.) It's definitely a place to tick off your bucket list.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

DONT text someone you fancy at home after a cocktail and 5 G&T's at Ocean Beach. Yes, it does seem like a good idea at the time and your friend will confirm said great idea... until the next day when she will say "WHAT WERE YOU THINKING?" and you say "YOU TOLD ME TO!". I must remember I am not on Love Island and neither should I act like it. #fauxpas.

 

 

 

 

DO spend and evening at the marina. It will be one of, if not the best, place to people watch you will ever go. We sat there for a good 4 hours having dinner and drinks & it blew my tiny little mind. The yacts, the people, the cars. I saw the shiniest gold Lamborghini you ever did see, I'm not into cars in the slightest but even I was impressed. It is just so fascinating. I saw more plastic faces there than when I used to walk down the old Barbie isle in Woolworths on a Saturday morning. The lip fillers were something else. When we were having dinner we sat near two girls, both of whom couldn't really feed themselves properly through their over inflated mouths. I kid you not, they did not speak to each other once. Not once. They were on their Louis Vuitton covered phones the whole time. All they did was scroll through Instagram and take selfies...not even with each other, just of themselves. Insane.

 

 

 

 

 

DONT acknowledge the looky looky men, at all. Now I'm a friendly soul, I love a chat, but even I found myself having to be a bit rude to them. One day one of them sneezed whilst walking past us, "bless you" I said. Do you think we could get rid of him after that? Absolutely not. He clearly took that "bless you" as "yes I would love to buy one of your knock off Ronaldo kits for a 4 year old child". Once we had said no to that, he thought offering us drugs by repeatedly uttering "you want something" would be the next sensible option to get a sale out of us. Sorry mate, the only thing I'm going to be sniffing this holiday is the overwhelming scent of Thierry Mugler 'Alien' from the passing hen parties.

 

 

 

 

 

DO have a Paella while you're out there. There is a strip of beautiful little restaurants right on the beach where you can get probably the best paella I've ever had. That is all I need say on the subject, if you go, just do it. You will not regret it. Apart from if you have a shellfish allergy, in which case you probably will regret it.   

 

 

 

 

Lastly, DO go for longer. We went for 3 nights and 4 days and I just was not ready to come home. Although saying that, I don't think I would have been ready to come home however long I went for. We decided to go for a short break because everyone told us how expensive it is, which is true if you go to certain places, but overall we didn't really find that. At the beach bar nearest our hotel you could get a beer and glass of Cava for £5! Now you cant complain about that. The food on the outskirts of the fancy part was also really reasonable, and there was a Lidl right near us so we could nip and get snacks and drinks to have in our hotel room or on the beach. Next time I go, & there will be a next time, I will definitely go for longer.

 

 

 

 

Red Cat Eye Sunglasses - Asos  | Gingham Bikini Bottom - Asos  | South Beach Black Bikini Top - Asos  | Yellow Ribbed Bikini - Asos  | Red Bikini Set - Triangl Swimwear  | Knotted Sliders - Topshop | Denim Slip Dress - Asos | Red Jumpsuit - French Connection

FEELING THE PRESSURE OF BLOGGING

 

 

H&M Jersey Top | Asos Farleigh Jeans | Asos Cateye Sunglasses | Primark Straw Bag | Topshop Knot Sliders 

 

As we all know, recently I got dumped (fave middle word school circa 2001) blah blah blah, we know the story -  I don't need to pull at that thread again. You'll all be sick of me. Pre 'the unfortunate event' (we shall call it), my blog was ticking over like clockwork. I've mentioned before, I in no way see myself as a professional influencer, nor do I really aim to be. It's a hobby and a platform that I have had some great opportunities through & connected with some glorious brands and people. I have never taken it, or myself, too seriously, but at the same time I have always been committed to it and put a lot of time into my blog. So baring all this in mind, it was all going tickety boo & progressing just as I wanted it to. My fiancé being my photographer meant I could shoot content pretty much whenever I wanted & I was able to say "yes" to every collaboration, knowing I could meet the deadline. So post 'unfortunate event' I found myself a bit lost, generally and blog wise. How was I going to keep it going? Who will shoot my posts? etc. etc. It literally kept me awake at night & made me realise, that actually, its quite a big part of my life. I felt like I had let myself down a bit though, by adding this extra slice of pressure to what felt like the biggest pile in the world. Especially when its something I enjoy doing & ultimately don't need to do, if worse came to worse. Then I got to the stage where I was questioning whether it was worth the hassle. This thing that I have loved doing for a couple of years is majorly stressing me out, at a time I really don't need to be. Had I fallen out of love with it? Was it time to stop? I started thinking about it, & I'm sure pretty much all bloggers have come to this crossroads in one way or another, & I came up with a simple answer to myself. Just take the pressure off. Easy as that. Keep going, but don't worry about it. At all. My friends and family have chipped in to take photos when I'm out and about with them. I went to the races last weekend with two of my gals, I think I must have said the sentence "can you take a photo for my Instagram" at least 12 - 15 times. They have not witnessed this side of me before, it was always the long suffering boyfriend, but they have all politely nodded whilst probably thinking "what a vain old bitch".  It has been kind of easier said than done to take a step back and force myself not to worry as much. I have turned down some collaborations that are really up my street, just because I know as soon as I get that parcel through the post I will have a mini breakdown about when I will shoot the post, who will do it for me and will the brand like it. That's not how it should be. Normally I rip the parcel open, excited to see what's arrived and try it on. It's hard. It's hard to pass up opportunities that could help you move forward in favour of your current sanity, but something has to give. I was not willing to fall out of love with this hobby and part of my life. I will make it work without putting unnecessary pressure on myself, and who knows. Maybe I will find the perfect Insta husband for me to take those candid shots that you're actually shaking from holding a pose for and have re taken at least 6 times. Maybe he will want to take photos of me and help me progress and grow. Who knows. Until then though, I do know, I will keep going until the fun stops.

 

x