NEW YEAR COMTEMPLATING

 

I told you on New Years Day I'd probably post some weird heartfelt post... & here I am.

 

2015 was such a weird one for me.

The year started super normal. I saw in the new year full of wine, cheese and hopes for the year ahead. All was hunky dory. Then, you may know if you read this previous post , that in maybe late January/February time I started having weird panic attacks out of the blue. It was something I couldn't pin point and I just didn't understand why this was happening all of a sudden. If something had happened to me to trigger it off, I feel like I could have understood more, but I had no idea. I started to feel really guilty that I was feeling like I was, and felt quite ashamed really. How do you explain to people that one day I was fine and the next day it just happened? I felt like I didn't have a right to feel like I did. There are people in the world who have been through really terrible times and seen really terrible things. I hadn't. I lived in a lovely house, with lovely family and great friends. I just didn't have the right to be this anxious.

 It effected everything. At work I couldn't be behind the till without shaking, I couldn't go shopping without feeling overwhelmed and dizzy & I felt like I had to have everything in a routine. No change. I just wanted to get up, try and get through my day at work (which was exhausting) and then go to bed in an attempt to relax myself. This was not me. I used to love being around people, I was a confident happy person. Even interviews never used to phase me. Then suddenly I couldn't even sit in a room with people in. What the hell is this!?

I still don't understand what happened and why, but I can definitely go into 2016 being super proud of myself. I got the help that I needed, which I'm still carrying on with (it's no quick fix) but I 100% feel like I've got myself back again. I can go into the New Year knowing that I have absolutely worked my butt off. I moved house (huge deal for me), passed my driving test and my little business is keeping me busier than ever. I've also been lucky enough to work with some amazing brands through my blog this last year. Not giving up has seriously paid off.

I know this isn't a 'cool' post, but I want whoever is reading this to know that it is ok to lose yourself for a while and to be open about it to. You just need to work hard to get yourself back.

 

In the wise words of Kelly Clarkson... "What doesn't kill you makes you stronger!"

 

 

x